Understanding & Responding to Tantrums
Module 2: Responding to Tantrums

Practical, Effective Strategies for Responding to Tantrums

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Casey knows it’s getting closer to their bedtime and dealing with a tantrum now adds to her workload and own mental exhaustion. Handling them in a healthy manner early on will benefit everyone involved and she knows if she ignores Blake, that’s only setting them both up for more tantrums down the line. Let’s see what the experts advise and help Casey respond in a way that reassures Blake and gets the boys into the bathtub.

What shouldn’t Casey do when Blake cries?

  • Don’t Dismiss or Minimize Their Feelings

    Why? Saying things like “You’re fine” or “Stop crying” invalidates their emotions and discourages emotional expression.

    Alternative: Validate their feelings (“I understand this is hard for you”) while encouraging them to calm down.

  • Don’t Yell or Lose Control

    Why? Yelling escalates the situation, making the child feel unsafe or misunderstood, and may reinforce their intense emotions.

    Alternative: Stay calm and use a soothing tone to de-escalate their distress.

  • Don’t Ignore Underlying Needs

    Why? Tantrums often stem from unmet needs like hunger, tiredness, or overstimulation. Ignoring causes won’t resolve the issue.

    Alternative: Assess the situation for triggers and address them if possible.

  • Don’t Compare Them to Others

    Why? Saying things like, “Your brother doesn’t act like this,” creates feelings of inadequacy or resentment.

    Alternative: Focus on the child’s individual needs and growth, offering reassurance and guidance.

  • Don’t Punish the Emotion

    Why? Punishing a tantrum (e.g., time-outs, scolding) teaches children to suppress emotions rather than regulate them.

    Alternative: Acknowledge their feelings (“I see you’re upset”) and guide them toward healthier expression, such as squeezing a stress ball, running in place, or scribbling on paper to "draw the frustration out."

  • Don’t Overreact to the Behavior

    Why? Responding with frustration or panic gives the tantrum more power and may lead to more frequent outbursts.

    Alternative: Remain composed and model patience, showing them how to handle strong emotions.

  • Don’t Use Sarcasm or Mocking

    Why? Sarcasm or ridicule can make the child feel shamed, eroding trust and potentially worsening their emotional outburst.

    Alternative: Approach with empathy and understanding, even if their behavior seems irrational.

  • Don’t Lecture During the Tantrum

    Why? Children in the middle of a tantrum are overwhelmed and unable to process reasoning or complex instructions.

    Alternative: Wait until they’ve calmed down to discuss their behavior and how to handle emotions next time.

  • Don’t Give In to Demands

    Why? Giving in teaches children that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want.

    Alternative: Set firm and consistent boundaries, offering choices when appropriate (e.g., “We can’t have candy, but you can have a banana or an apple”).

  • Don’t Bribe with Treats

    Why? Offering candy or toys to stop a tantrum reinforces the idea that they’ll be rewarded for undesirable behavior.

    Alternative: Focus on helping them calm down and problem-solve once they are ready.

What should Casey do when Blake cries?

Recalling that Blake was likely feeling a lack of independence (not having a choice in what he was doing next and unmet expectations (not knowing the plan ahead of time).

Expand each section to read more about Casey’s approach to helping Blake feel supported and better equipped to manage his feelings in the future.

  • Getting down to Blake’s level, Casey can name the feeling (frustrated, sad).

    “I see that you’re upset. It can be frustrating to stop playing when you’re having fun.”

    Casey isn’t solving anything here. Nor is she changing the plan because of Blake’s outburst. She’s “naming the emotions”.

  • Use short, simple, clear instructions in a positive tone. While it takes time to establish, incorporating a routine with predictable steps can be comforting to children.

    “We will take a bath and then we will pick out books to read together. It would be nice to read while cuddling our stuffed animals.”

  • Giving a child autonomy over the situation, while still accomplishing the task at hand (i.e. bath).

    “Tonight is special because we get to bring new toys into the bathtub. Please go pick two small toys that you’d like to bring into the bath.”

    or

    “Blake, I need your help pouring the bubble bath solution into the bathtub. Please go pick two toys you’d like in the bath and then come help me pour the bubbles into the water.”

  • If the child is hurting themselves or others, help them understand that emotions are acceptable, but certain behaviors are not. Such as:

    “I know you’re frustrated, but my job is to keep your body safe. It is okay to cry, but you cannot hurt yourself.”

    “I know you’re upset, but hitting isn’t okay.”

Let’s See What You Learned

All’s Well?

Blake seems happy, for now. Maybe this is a good time for Casey to help him learn more about expressing his emotions without a tantrum.

It’s also important for Casey to know what she needs to remain calm during and after dealing with a tantrum.